Intensity

I was at life drawing today and I had a very intense session. I have done this before. The last time was when I had broken my ankle and I was in recovery. I was at an art class that I found absolutely fascinating, and I got completely lost in the process. It was a day long session; I was standing the whole time. I got so intensely into the work, I wasn't eating, I wasn't breaking to do anything. At the end of the session, I left and went to buy a printer for my computer.

When I got to the store, I guess I finally defocused from the art, and was overcome by pain in my recovering ankle. I had to sit on printer boxes for over 45 minutes because I could not stand or walk. I was embarrassed so I did not ask the store staff for help. I didn't want to be carried off. It was intense and I never forgot how lost I got.

Life drawing today was like that. I stood to draw, and completely exhausted myself from concentrating so hard. I was developing a new technique, and took all my concentration. I usually can see the image emerging from the paper. This time I was just drawing areas of light and shade, using contrasts to form shapes. Suddenly, the image appeared. It was fascinating. It was confusing. It was a totally different experience than I was used to.

After the session, I went to lunch and I was famished. I went home, and I laid down. My feet where on fire, and I had to sleep. I woke up hours later, and I was disoriented. Art can have this effect on me. It is like I enter into another state of mind. Time seems to stand still. My normal worries, concerns and thoughts get suspended. I become very calm. It rejuvenates. It is powerful, but it is also disorienting. When I come out of this state, I need to pick up the threads of my life again.

The best times are when I do art and slip into this calm, peaceful place where I create my art, but without the overwhelming intensity. I love my art, but like loving a person, if the feelings are too intense, I burn out.

Life is like Doing Art

I am surprised at how it took me so long to realize that running my life is like doing art. I love art, and have been working hard for years to hone my skills at bringing a drawing or painting together, successfully, and yet I never made the connection between managing creating a drawing or painting to my personal life.

I have been really doing a lot of self introspection lately. I just broke up with my partner, gave up the house I always dreamed of, and moved back into my old condo. Life seemed to turn upside down and inside out. It was like my life had been an experiment that went wrong. Only, the experiment was all the things I ever dreamed about. I even had my own studio.

Now, I am in my old condo, a bit out of the main stream in a little village, but on a beautiful body of water. I had to re-evaluate what was important. And the best way I could do this was to look to my art for inspiration.

I remember hearing a little story years ago, and now that story is my guiding light as I re-engineer my life. The story goes that there is a sculptor working piece of marble that is his life's work. The marble is in a park near a public street. He goes out every day with his hammer and chisel, and chips away at the marble, ever evolving his sculpture to create the one masterpiece for his life. Now the question is, would you hand the hammer and chisel to any passerby who wanted to try his or her hand at sculpture, and let them go at your masterpiece?

The answer of course is a resounding "NO". As an artist, you would protect the piece, and would only lovingly chip away at it to bring out your vision of what it should be. Well, life is the same thing. My life is my lifelong masterpiece. I should not be handing my hammer and chisel to anyone else so they can take a whack at my life. I should be the only one chipping away, and I should go at it with the love I do when I create a painting or drawing.

So in this great transition, I have been reevaluating myself, my goals, and looking at my life like a piece of art I am creating. When I do this, things become clear, and it becomes easier to give up the more connected location, the relationship, and the studio, in return for peace and happiness in my life, and more time to create and enjoy my art making.

Since the beginning of the year, I draw every day and paint on average every other day. I am honing my art business skills, and am curating an art show for the first time. I will be taking over a life drawing group for a month in May, and with each new experience, I am fleshing out myself as an artist.

I just read a quote in a book or art magazine, that art is a jealous mistress. Well, if you devote yourself to your art mistress, she is also the best companion you will ever have.

I have just scanned in some of the coffee shop sketches I have been doing over the last year. I had gotten away from this when I had the flu, and the leg operation, but I was just back sketching in a coffee shop today, so I thought a coffee shop image might be appropriate to post with this entry.